a struggling relationship

I'm a Daddy's Girl. Hands down. No questions asked.

Ever since I was little, I can remember my mom and I butting heads. Sometimes over little things like hair and makeup. sometimes over not so little things like boyfriends, grades, and money.

I hate to say it but she's the reason I'm so self conscious too. Ever since I can remember (probably starting in 6th grade), my weight has been under a microscope. And I'll be the first one to say it, I'm NOT overweight. I never have been. I have been pretty content with my appearance most of my life...but then her little voice gets into my head and I just can't seem to shake it. And it's not only about weight...once I grew into my body and developed, I wasn't wearing the right clothes....and the list just goes on.

When I left for college, I thought things were going to get better between the two of us. At least that's what everyone was telling me. And it did. For a little while at least. Then I moved home for the summer after my Freshman year and we were back to butting heads. Bad.

Then sophomore year came around, I moved into my new apartment and over the school year things were a little better, but not a lot better. Until closer to the end of the year, things got really good between us. I talked to her more. I included her more into my life. I made a point of spending time with her just her and I. So when summer came along, things were going pretty well. It helped a lot that I wasn't living at home for the summer.

So now it's the end of the summer and I'm about to start my junior year. Things between my mom and I have been a huge roller coaster this summer. We make 10 giant leaps towards getting better (she came and picked me up from work the other day for lunch and we had a great time just catching up and talking) and then one night like last night (we got in a huge argument that I honestly don't even know why or how it started), we fall back 20 steps.

It just sucks because I want to have a good relationship with my mom. I really do. I wish she could be someone I go to with everything. But unfortunately, I feel like if I go to her for advice, I'm being judged. If I ask her opinion, it's not her honest opinion, it's what she feels like what a mother should say.

But I guess it's just going to be a waiting game. I'll never know if my relationship with her will get better or worse. I just have to wait and see....

present

yesterday is history.
tomorrow is a mystery.
and today?
today is a gift.
that's why they call it the present.

lately i've been so focused on what's gonna happen later on down the line or in the future. but as i've started to sit back and think, i'm wasting precious time and not enjoying life in the moment. i need to step back and just take what happens day by day...no more worrying or wondering what's gonna happen later. what happens, happens. i just need to accept that and take everything in strides. that's my new goal for this year. live in the moment. today is a gift and i'm going to enjoy it!

and another month begins.

and the madness of august begins! I'm actually pretty excited for this month though. It should be a good month....well hopefully.

it has taken me a little while to recover from my draining few weeks. going to New Jersey was nice because it let me just get away and clear my head. i did a lot of thinking. by the time i got back, the week consisted of packing the rest of my stuff and by friday, july 31st all my stuff was out of my apartment and i turned in my keys. it was bittersweet...but leaning more toward the sweet lol i'm gonna miss village green, mostly because it was my first ever apartment and i enjoyed spending time with most of my neighbors so i'll miss that. but i definitely won't miss the living situation and feeling excluded or that i have to lock myself in my room so i don't ever have to see my roommates.

no, this year is going to be different. i'm going to make sure of it. my new roommates seem awesome, and the time we've all spent together makes it seem like we're going to get along just fine. and maybe even be more than roommates....actually friends!! i really hope so. i move into my new place on friday, and i'm soooo excited! i really have high hopes. we're actually taking a roommate trip down to the beach the day after we move in so we can have a good time, relax, and really get to know each other better. it should be fun!

classes start in less than 2 weeks!!!! i can't believe it but i'm really looking forward to it. i can't believe i'm a junior this year! college is just flying by! i really hope this is a good year. actually, scratch that. i'm going to make this a good year. i'm all about thinking positive and living in the moment lately, so that's what i'm gonna do!!

i'll definitely be posting pics of the new apartment as soon as i settle in. hope everyone has had a great start to their august!