belief

belief is a beautiful armor
but makes for the heaviest sword
~Belief by John Mayer

i'm normally a very positive thinking person...well not lately, but for the most part. i don't like to think pessimistically. i see the glass half full. i see the good in the bad. there's always a silver lining. i always thought that was a good quality to have.

well, until i was talking to someone this weekend, and they told me it wasn't because all i'm doing is setting myself up to get hurt....when it comes to people, at least.

i always give people the benefit of the doubt. unless you give me a reason to not trust you, i give people my unconditional trust. i put my whole heart into something or someone until they give me a reason not to.

so now i'm curious....what do you think?? is it bad to have this view on life and of people? i do get hurt easily...but is that because i put too much faith and trust into people? should i stop being so willing to trust and beleive the best? please help me here!! i need to hear your opinions...

my quote for the day (that i wrote, thank you very much! lol) :
i can't help but believe the best in people....sometimes it ends in pain, but sometimes, it doesn't. and that's what makes it all worth it ♥

alone.

my least favorite feeling......being alone.

and right now, that's exactly what i'm feeling. i'm down in the dumps . i don't really know why. probably because i just drove back from a house full of people to no one. well my kitties. but that's it. alone. to my bed, where it's just me.

maybe it's because i've been doing a lot of thinking lately (see below post)....realizing how alone i've felt. i was so optimistic when i wrote the first post. now i'm not. yes i have a great time with my friends. i love hanging out with my new roommates and going to the club but when i come home, i'm alone. i sleep alone. when i'm upset, i deal with it alone. i'm alone.

i know, it's a self pitty party right now. and i hate to be this down but i don't know what else to do but type because for whatever reason, typing this is sort of like a healing process. it makes me cry and want to scream, but it's also soothing at the same time. weird? maybe. but it helps, so i'm just going to keep going. even though the tears keep falling.

i like this person. and being with him makes me smile so much. and we laugh. and we have a great time. and thinking about him makes me happy. but he's not here. and when i feel lonely, i can't just drive over to get a hug. and i can't just call him and tell him how i feel because our relationship isn't quite there yet...i don't want to scare him off. things are going well. so i leave them how they are. missing him. hoping that this alone feeling goes away. and i want him here with me. or i just want to be there with him.

but i can't change any of that. so i sit here and wait patiently because that's what i do best. pretend everything is ok. put on a smile. laugh. be my happy bubbly self. when inside i'm just jealous of everyone else who has someone. as i sit here alone...with my babies. and hope that one day soon, i won't be so alone.

boys, boys, boys

"boys, boys, boys...they follow my voice..." haha probably one of the funniest songs I've heard in a while. yes, it's old and it's by ashlee simpson. but it's talking about immature boys that need to think before they act. it's catchy and it makes me laugh when i listen to it.

anyone who knows me, knows that it is not hard for me to meet guys. as bad as that sounds. i honestly don't know why, but there is always one or two guys interested in me. and again...that sounds sooooo cocky but i really don't know why. but most of the time, unfortunately, it's usually not a mutual feeling.

so why is it that i have this "male following" but i can't seem to keep a guy around. well it's simple. the boys that flock to me are, well, boys. immature, cocky, horny. i need men.... well a man, preferably. one that is stable, driven, secure. one that likes me for me... not my body or my dancing skills, or whatever else they want. but for my love, passion, humor, inner beauty.

i like someone. he seems strong, stable, protective, confident, driven. all the qualities i want in a guy. hmmmm, just thinking about him gives me the little butterflies. yes, so clique, i know. only problme - he's not close by. of course. so i wonder....if he was here, would we be in a relationship? is it worth trying? is it worth waiting? or is he just another boy....?

my man is out there. somewhere. and i'm trying to be patient but sometimes it's hard when everyone around you is in a relationship, engaged, getting married, or even already married. kinda makes a girl like me feel a little lonely. as much as i'm enjoying being single, it's nice to have someone to come lay your head down on at night.

but......i will wait. and i will end up with my prince. i'm sure of it :) i know, i just gotta give it time.

RIP Riley :(

I just found out that my uncle's "son" passed away on Wednesday, September 9th.

Riley, you will be greatly missed. I have so many fond memories of us. I still remember when Uncle Paul told me about you. I couldn't wait to meet you! Then came years of playing at the dog park, riding around in the Oldsmobile, long walks, and cuddling up at night. You were an amazing little cousin with such a gentle soul. You lived a happy and productive thirteen years. Because of you, 32 lucky animals now have homes...they were just attracted to you. They would follow you home like little ducklings. You were just so sweet...what's not to love?! I will miss your warm happy "helloooooo" as I walk in the door and your amazing hugs. Kobie will miss you too. I remember when she went to stay with you over my winter break...she just followed you around wherever you went and wanted to nap with you all the time. You were like her little protector at the house. Now you join Kiwi up in doggie heaven...say hi to her for me. We all will miss you down here.

Love always,
Rachel

Riley ♥
4/7/96 - 9/9/09

Today We Remember

I Will Always Remember. This week for the past few years have been a rough one...on a national level and on a community level. I can't believe how fast the years have gone.

Sept 9, 2006 - Ozzie Vargas, the senior class president of Apex High School and a close friend, passed away. I can't believe it's been 3 years since his passing. He was taken from us way too early but I know he's in heaven smiling down on us. His smile would light up a room and his laugh was contagious. He is and always will be greatly missed.

Sept 11, 2001 - Terrorists hijacked planes and crashed them into the World Trade Centers, Pentagon, and a field in Pennsylvania. From that day forth, September 11th was never the same. We will always mourn on this day the many lives that were cut short. 8 years ago today, and the images on the TV are still clear as day in my mind. One good thing that came from this - we as Americans came together and showed our true spirit and strength. "I’d thank my lucky stars, to be livin here today. cause the flag still stands for freedom, and they can’t take that away."

For both of these traumatizing events in my life, I remember like it was yesterday... where I was, who I was with, what I was doing, and just the complete and utter shock that I felt after getting the news. These events are just so unfortunately but they make me stronger as a person because I know that all of these people are in a better and safer place. Please help me remember these people - today, and every day - for their incredible lives that were cut too short.

Labor Day Weekend

So this Labor Day, I did something new. Well kind of...more of, I went somewhere new. Last summer at Mallory's wedding, I met some awesome people. I have luckily kept in touch with a few of them...thank goodness for facebook! lol so as I was talking to one of them on FB about a week before labor day, trying to decide what the heck to do, he suggested I come visit him in Virginia Beach. So i talked to Lauren (my new roomie) and she was all for it.

soooo Saturday after she got off work, we hit the road and traveled 3 hours north to Virginia Beach. There, Quamme and Kasey awaited our arrival. It was a blast!! We really didn't do too much, but that was perfectly fine by me. I wanted a nice relaxing weekend and it was a new place so it was really cool. After we got there Saturday night, we walked around the boardwalk and just did some nighttime sight seeing.

*Quamme and Kasey - our lovely hosts for the weekend*

Then on Sunday, we spent some time on the beach. It was a little cloudy and the water was too cold for me to get in, but it was still nice to be at the beach relaxing. By mid afternoon we left and went back to Kasey's so we could all shower and get ready. There was a beach music festival on the boardwalk that night that we wanted to hit up. Decked in our cowgirl boots, Lauren and I were ready to take on "Vaaaaa Beach" as everyone there calls it. We stayed and listened to the music for a little while (Lonestar, a country band, was playing. I unfortunately was the only country fan, so we didn't stay long.) Then we wandered around the boardwalk trying to figure out what to do. Well I lucked out because someone didn't know how to do math and I got into a bar. So we spent the rest of the night hanging out at this pretty cool, low key bar. By last call, we were all ready to go. So we wondered along the boardwalk some more before heading back to Kasey and Quamme's friends house, which is close to the beach. Some of us braved jumping into the pool (Kasey, Quamme, me, and Hunter) while others sat out and laughed at our expressions when we realized how cold it was (lauren)....but again, it was fun! We finally headed back to Kasey's house and fell asleep around 5:30am. It was a long day but a fun filled adventure.

Unfortunately, Monday it was drizzling and really overcast so Lauren and I didn't get to go to the beach again. So we packed up our stuff and said bye to Kasey and Quamme around 2pm. Then we hit the road back to Raleigh. It was a lot of fun! And I hope to visit again soon before Quamme is medically discharged and heads back to Montana.

*at the beach music festival with lauren* *at the bar!*

*the group we hung out with*
(Kasey, Lauren, Me, Quamme, & Matt)

Ahhh, it was a much needed, funn filled, relaxing weekend. How was your labor day weekend?!

Piper's new discovery

So I caught Piper in the act!! I took a video of her opening my drawer and digging in my clothes. I think she figured out I was watching her because she didn't make a mess with the clothes like usual and then she didn't get into the drawer, she just wandered off. But here is the evidence!! And then here are some pictures of when she was in the drawer lol

the happenings

so i haven't had much time to write lately...i've been a busy bee! i'll catch you up on a few little things going on in my life.

• moved into my new apartment! absolutely love it. it's spacious. the furniture is nice. we have finally finished the decorating. and the roommates are awesome :)
• my new roommates and i spent the sunday after we moved in at the beach. it was a roommate bonding trip and it was sooo much fun! i think this is gonna be a great year...and work out a lot better than last years roommates, for sure! here's the picture we took at the beach...then we blew it up and hung it up in our living room. olivia made it look all cool!!
  
• my new goal for this year is to attempt to keep my room somewhat tidy. since the kitties have free roam of the apartment this year (Kobie didn't last year. she was always locked in my room while i was away), I keep my bedroom door opened, or at least cracked so they can wander in my room and nap.....meaning everyone sees my room. soooooo i'm gonna try to keep it clean. let's see how long this lasts! lol
• started classes. i can't believe it, but i'm already a junior! classes are going well and i've been enjoying them. I'm not use to the long days, but the classes are soo worth it. For the first time, I actually don't mind going to class.
• I got my cartilage pierced. I know, not such a big deal to everyone else...but it was exciting to me lol of course mom hates it. my 10 year old sister, on the other hand, now wants one. she thinks i'm cooler than ever now :) hehe
• first day as an intern. September 1st was our first days in the schools. i have mixed emotions. I'm looking forward to it and am very excited to work with the students but at the same time, we are there from 8:30 to 11:30 but our students are in specials for most of the morning. i'm hoping i'll get the opportunity to observe other teachers while my kids are in specials. it will be a learning tool for sure!
• first football game of the season! was last night...we lost. but hey, it was a lot of fun. we played USC and we lost big time to them last year. at least we didn't have as big of a beating this year. we only lost 7-3. but i just love the spirit and the atmosphere. and it was perfect weather for a football game. not too hot, with a nice breeze! bring on the rest of football season!!
• Kobie and Piper are loving each other. They are getting along so well now. They tackle each other and roll around the living room floor for everyone to watch. Then when they get tired, they fall asleep together somewhere. I think Kobie has adopted Piper as her little child because every time they wake up from a nap, Kobie will go over to Piper and give her a little bath by giving her licks and kisses. It's sooo cute!!
• Oh and just one more kitty thing - Piper has discovered how to open my drawers so she pulls them open, digs in my clothes, takes a little nap, then leaves....while leaving my clothes scattered across the floor. For once, my messy room isn't all my fault ;)

I think that's it for now. Happy September!!