afterthought

choices.

what makes one right or wrong?
and if you make the "wrong one," is it too late to turn back?

change

change is the essence of life. be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.

everyone says change is inevitable.
but is it really...?

this weekend, i did a lot of thinking. and this is what i've come up with about change (since i've been thinking about it a lot lately) as well as a few other topics that have been weighing on my mind.

your past is your past. but it can haunt your present and future. don't let it. people make mistakes. but don't let those mistakes define you. don't let them be just mistakes. never regret them. just take them. learn from them. grow into a better person because of them. and change for the best. it is possible: people can change.

the definition of change: to become different; to become altered or modified

yes, people can change. but you can't change people. so don't try it. it only ends badly. if they were meant to change, they will change for themselves. not for what someone else wants. or what they think other people want. they will change because they know it's what's best.

"There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction."
~Winston Churchill

i'm proud of people who want to change for the better and know it's because what is best. but if they change because they know it's what someone else wants, then they aren't doing it for the right reasons. i just wish i knew which person was which. i wish there was some way you could determine whether someone is changing because they know it's best or if it's just because they want to change to prove to someone they did just to say they did.

since there isn't a way to tell, i guess i just have to have faith. faith in people that they will do what is best for them.

so my last thought before i leave...

you don't have to have an explanation for everything you want in life. if you want something in life, you can just want it. no explanation needed. and don't let anyone tell you it's something that you shouldn't want. or something you shouldn't do. it's your life. do what you want and what makes you happy. never settle for being content. be around people that make you happy. do things that make you happy. enjoy life. you only live once. might as well make the best of it.

here is my ending quote. it's one of my favorites that i avidly live by:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

the rest of the week

My week did eventually get better...but it was a little bit of a roller coaster ride to get there. Wednesday, I got into a huge argument with my mom and because I was angry, I blurted out some information that I didn't want to share with her just yet, which made her even more angry. She continued to yell and scream. I got so frustrated with her, I hung up. So Wednesday, I was miserable. I wished I hadn't said what I did, and I wished our conversation didn't end the way it did. And to make matters worse, I knew I have to face my mom Thursday because I was babysitting my sister Thursday night. So to get it off my mind, I went out Wednesday night. I got all dolled up and had a blast. Liz (my roommate), Mary (her friend), and I went to Ess lounge for a little while, then went to Buckhead's Saloon in downtown. I danced the night away, and it was sooo much fun. My feet were killing me by the end of the night, but it was so worth it.

So Thursday comes. It's hell day as I call it. 3 classes in a row. And running on less than 5 hours of sleep, I'd say it wasn't too bad. Could have been worse. I find out I made a 75 on my physics test. Eh, it's a C. Not as horrible as I thought but not great either. So I was pretty content with that. Then Thursday night, my parents come to drop off my sister (half an hour early, I might add, so I was still groggy from the nap I had taken). And everything seems fine. My sister and I had a good time. I miss spending quality time with her, so when she comes to visit, I always enjoy it. But then as she was leaving, my mom hugged me and whispered in my ear "your father and I will be talking with you." Oh great. I'm in deep trouble. Eh, but I didn't let it get to me.

Friday. Kobie had an appointment for her shots so I brought her to that. My poor baby was in pain for the rest of the night. I felt so bad. I wished there was something I could have done to make her feel better, so I just held her close. After her appointment, a few girls (elizabeth, markie, kelley, brandi, and jessica) and I went to go see "The Women." If you are looking for a fun movie to see with your girls, I highly recommend this one! It was sooooo cute. And there wasn't a single male in the entire movie, which is a nice change. Especially when I'm trying to get my mind off of them lol. Then we met up with a few people at Mellow Mushroom. The food was amazing and it had been a while since I had been. If you've never been, you need to go. After dinner, I went back to my place and hung out. Wasn't really in the mood to go out out, so I had a nice relaxing night with my baby. All in all, Friday was a pretty good day.

All I can say about Saturday is.....SO HOW ABOUT THEM WOLFPACK!!! Saturday was spent at Carter Finely stadium cheering on my beloved pack against the ECU Pirates. The weather was perfect for an afternoon at the stadium. The wind blowing every so slightly that it made it feel very comfortable and just enough clouds to keep the sun from being too hot. ECU was ranked 15th in the nation. State, well, we weren't even ranked. We were not the favored winner as you might guess. But yes, that's right ladies and gentlemen, we won!! We were losing the entire game but we tied it up with 1:24 left on the scoreboard. 24-24. Overtime baby!! ECU started off with the ball, State intercepts it and goes in for the touchdown. PACK WINS... 30-24!!! And because of our amazing win, ECU was bumped down to 23rd in the rankings! We still aren't ranked, but I don't care. Go Pack!! Let's just say, I had a very sore throat the rest of the day. But it was a great game, and it was so much fun! Great way to spend a Saturday afternoon :)

And today (Sunday) begins a new week. By the looks of it, it's gonna be a pretty hectic one. But I can take it. Or at least, I hope I can.

it's only tuesday

It's just one of those weeks. And it's only Tuesday. The stress from physics is taking it's toll on me. Monday afternoon/night was spent trying to finish physics homework. I sat at my computer from 4 to 11 (with only a half hour break for dinner) doing homework. And all I accomplished... 2 points out of 18. Yes, that's it. I thought I knew what I was doing, but clearly I didn't. I was so frustrated, I was in tears several points during that 7 hour homework spree. And to make matters worse, I knew I had a test the next day. What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to pass this test at the rate I was going? Yeah, at this point I was freaking out.

So let me tell you about my test. It was worse than awful. 16 questions. All or no credit. I'm pretty sure I guessed on at least 6 of them. So even if I get all of the ones I actually answered right, I only have a D. So I'm pretty sure I didn't do too hot. Crossing my fingers for a (big!) curve. And today, I had 3 classes and a lab plus it was raining so I was soaked up to my knees, sitting in class freezing my butt off. What a lovely day.

And so the week continues. Let's hope it gets better.

a life cut short

Not many people close to me have passed away, which i am very thankful for, but today marks the 2 year anniversary of a passing that really hit home to me. September 9, 2006. I will never forget it. I was sitting at home on my computer and I was just browsing myspace when i see this bulletin posted by a friend with the subject line saying "RIP Ozzie." I just couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. Ozzie Vargas. 17 years old (my age). Senior at Apex High School (my school). Member of AOIT (a special program I was also involved in). Senior class president. Dead.

My head filled with so many questions. Is it true? How did this happen? Why him? Why now? He has his entire life ahead of him. It shouldn't have been his time. That calander year was rough for AHS because we had already had 2 deaths and I didn't think it could get worse. But those deaths (as I'm sad to say) were because of stupid mistakes and bad decisions the people made. They could have been avoided. Ozzie's passing was out of his control. It wasn't because he did anything wrong or made a bad decision. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. For whatever reason, God picked that time and place for him to go home. Click here to read what happened. I would type it out but every time I try, the tears just flood my eyes and I can't continue.

Ozzie was an amazing person. So unforgettable. I met him the first day of my high school career. He was the class clown. Always had a smile on his face and knew how to brighten everyone's day. When you needed a hug, he was there. When you needed a laugh, he was there. When you needed a shoulder, he was there. He was also incredibly bright. He succeeded at everything he did, whether it be in the classroom or out. If he put his mind to it, it worked out in his favor. I saw his face every day for my first 3 years of high school as well as those last few months before his passing. I would walk by him, and it never failed, he was always smiling and we would say hi.

I will never forget the last week before he passed... we started this new thing on the morning announcments where someone would say the pledge of allegance and since Ozzie was the student body president, he had the duties of saying it. Well, Monday through Thursday, without meaning to, he would leave out a word or entire phrase and just throw off the whole thing. Firday, his last day with us, he finally got it right. And we all applauded him after. It's just a silly memory, but if you knew him, you would know why that was so significant. It was the little things he did that make me tear up when I think about his amazing spirt and warmth.

He may not be here with us on Earth anymore, but his memory still lingers over all of us. You really were blessed if you knew him. Ozzie, we miss you so much. Keep watching over us.

Love always,
Rachel

update

i know in my earlier post i said kobie had light brown eyes, but i have decided she actually has green eyes. she is so adorable! i love her so much :)

and.... i got my tattoo!! it's still in the healing process but i'm really happy with it.

hope everyone has a wonderful week!

emotions

to be honest, i don't even know where to begin. this past week has been a flurry of emotions. so i'm here to just vent. i've felt everything in the past week from sadness and frustration, to happiness and love.

i probably shouldn't go into detail about my sadness but lets just say that sometimes i think about past adventures and events and think how great they were but then remember i don't have those anymore, which makes me sad. i know, i shouldn't dwell on my past. that just doesn't help my whole "new outlook" phase i'm trying to work on. but moving on is easy, the hard part is what i'm leaving behind. sometimes i wonder "what if..." and that's not healthy. i want to believe in things but i know that in the end, i'll just be hurt again. to be honest, i actually ventured into my past over the weekend (which i know i shouldn't have done, but i did it anyway) and now it's just making me more sad and frustrated.

which brings me to my next emotion - frustration. i'm frustrated with my past, present, and future. my past is just taunting me and i want to go back and see how things would turn out for the present and future, but i know it's not for the best. my present is frustrating me for many different reasons. i can't go into detail about one but it just frustrates me that you think you know someone and they show you a side that you want to see, but then they turn. and it flip flops back and forth from day to day. so i just don't know what to believe. another is the fact that physics is driving me insane. i go to class every day and actually listen so i'm hopefully learning and absorbing the information, then i come home and do homework for hours and in the end, it's worthless because i still don't understand what the heck i'm doing. and i have accomplished nothing. and that feeling is just so frustrating.

but when i come home and lay in bed and work on physics for hours on end with kobie sleeping on my chest or shoulders, i fall in love all over again. and even though i'm frustrated and start to cry, she looks at me with those sweet light brown eyes and tries to lick the tears away, i can't help but smile and feel less frustrated. she just tugs on those little strings in my heart and makes me so happy. i got her because it was part of my new outlook - do things to make myself happy. i bought her to make myself happy. and she's done just that and so much more. i never knew i could fall in love so fast.

"all my life i've been sorry for something
something gets me nothing and nothings such a waste
all this time i've been saying i'm sorry
but why should i be sorry for all of your mistakes"

i found this quote and i figured it suited my emotions pretty well right now. yes i've been so frustrated and hurt and upset lately and i apologize all the time for it. well i'm done apologizing. it's not my fault for feeling all these feelings, there are just different events in my life that cause me to feel them. i shouldn't be sorry about them. i should embrace these emotions and learn from them.

so i'm going to end on a happy note. i love kobie. and i love my friends for being there for support and a shoulder to cry on. and i love my family for just being my family. i'm so lucky to have all these people (and my kitty) in my life. and for that, i am definitely NOT sorry.