emotions

to be honest, i don't even know where to begin. this past week has been a flurry of emotions. so i'm here to just vent. i've felt everything in the past week from sadness and frustration, to happiness and love.

i probably shouldn't go into detail about my sadness but lets just say that sometimes i think about past adventures and events and think how great they were but then remember i don't have those anymore, which makes me sad. i know, i shouldn't dwell on my past. that just doesn't help my whole "new outlook" phase i'm trying to work on. but moving on is easy, the hard part is what i'm leaving behind. sometimes i wonder "what if..." and that's not healthy. i want to believe in things but i know that in the end, i'll just be hurt again. to be honest, i actually ventured into my past over the weekend (which i know i shouldn't have done, but i did it anyway) and now it's just making me more sad and frustrated.

which brings me to my next emotion - frustration. i'm frustrated with my past, present, and future. my past is just taunting me and i want to go back and see how things would turn out for the present and future, but i know it's not for the best. my present is frustrating me for many different reasons. i can't go into detail about one but it just frustrates me that you think you know someone and they show you a side that you want to see, but then they turn. and it flip flops back and forth from day to day. so i just don't know what to believe. another is the fact that physics is driving me insane. i go to class every day and actually listen so i'm hopefully learning and absorbing the information, then i come home and do homework for hours and in the end, it's worthless because i still don't understand what the heck i'm doing. and i have accomplished nothing. and that feeling is just so frustrating.

but when i come home and lay in bed and work on physics for hours on end with kobie sleeping on my chest or shoulders, i fall in love all over again. and even though i'm frustrated and start to cry, she looks at me with those sweet light brown eyes and tries to lick the tears away, i can't help but smile and feel less frustrated. she just tugs on those little strings in my heart and makes me so happy. i got her because it was part of my new outlook - do things to make myself happy. i bought her to make myself happy. and she's done just that and so much more. i never knew i could fall in love so fast.

"all my life i've been sorry for something
something gets me nothing and nothings such a waste
all this time i've been saying i'm sorry
but why should i be sorry for all of your mistakes"

i found this quote and i figured it suited my emotions pretty well right now. yes i've been so frustrated and hurt and upset lately and i apologize all the time for it. well i'm done apologizing. it's not my fault for feeling all these feelings, there are just different events in my life that cause me to feel them. i shouldn't be sorry about them. i should embrace these emotions and learn from them.

so i'm going to end on a happy note. i love kobie. and i love my friends for being there for support and a shoulder to cry on. and i love my family for just being my family. i'm so lucky to have all these people (and my kitty) in my life. and for that, i am definitely NOT sorry.