don't hold back.

well, i thought v was my only blog reader, but turns out, that's not the case. i'm ok with that though. i'm not ashamed of anything i put on here, otherwise i would not write it down. it's my thoughts. my feelings. my place to just let go. i don't hold anything back. and i need that every once in a while since my life is so stressful. my mom always says to be careful about what i write about especially on the internet because it will come back to bite me in the ass...but my feeling is that everything happens for a reason. i may cause things that i didn't want or express feelings i didn't want other people to know, but if they find out, then it was meant to happen. holding back gets you no where in life. which is why i'm a firm believer that if you want something bad enough, do everything you can to get it. if you get it, great. and if it doesn't happen, don't think of it as "wasted time", think of it as a lesson learned and that it didn't work out because something better will come along.

so all i can do in my situation right now is keep trying until i know there is nothing left to do, and only then will i let go.

"you never lose by loving. you always lose by holding back."

MIA

I have been MIA...I know, I haven't written lately. It's not that I don't want to, beacuse I do. I have so many thoughts running through my head and things I want to share, but I just don't have the time. Since Anthony has left, I have been running around non-stop. After he left, finals came so I was studying and writing papers constantly. The last final arrived and literally right after that, I left for Florida with Elizabeth. I spent nine days in the beautiful sunshine state experiencing her hometown and a few other beautiful places. Then I flew home and the cacous didn't stop. I started working full time at State Farm and then worked a few nights at my other job. A week later, summer class started so my days consisted of class in the morning, State Farm in the afternoon, and my other job at night. I think about it now, and not that I'm saying that it's a good thing that Anthony is gone, but I have been so busy that I wouldn't have ever been able to see him much even if he was here. And i've been so busy, that it keeps my mind off of it a little bit, so that's a good thing.

I don't get much sleep and I'm always tired, but it's ok. This time last summer, I was stressing about how I would get all my bills paid since it was the first time I had really been on my own with major responsiblities. I was living paycheck to paycheck. This year, I was smarter and planned ahead. Each paycheck, I would put money aside for the bills I knew I would have in the coming summer months, so when May rolled around and rent and car insurance were due, I had it ready. Which was why I was able to take a few days off from both jobs to go down to Florida and enjoy myself. Last year, I could have never afforded that.

So now I have a new goal. Buying a plane ticket to Finland. My bills are covered. I'm working 2 jobs. Might as well spend the money on something that I really want, which is to go visit my man. Finland doesn't sound all that exciting, to be quite honest, but if I get to go over there and spend time with him and get to support him while he's doing what he loves, then I'm gonna go for it. Some people called me crazy and told me not to, but I'm doing it. It's something I really want. It's something that even if we don't work out in the end, I really don't think I'll regret. It's a once in a lifetime oppourtunity. Who in the world would ever think to go to Finland, and what other time would I ever be able to go there and for what purpose...so since I have a purpose, the funds, and the time, I'm gonna do it. So working 2 jobs is exhausting, yes, but it will pay off in the end!