...and he kind of has my heart
he has since May of 2009 when we first met. He just didn't know it. He was different then most guys I had met, and over the coming year, I would learn that he really was much different...in good ways and bad. Our relationship has been an absolute roller coaster. He went to school in Virginia so when I first met him, I knew he would be leaving soon. but then I learned he would graduate in December and be back home. From the day we met, we've talked every day with a rare exception of a day here and there. In August, he left for school and it was hard to say goodbye because I really enjoyed our movie nights or random late night talks. I didn't know if that would continue while he was gone since he played football so I knew he would be super busy. The next few months were filled with wondering whether I should wait around for him because I didn't know if he really liked me or not. but for some reason, my gut told me to wait for him, so I did.
He came home after graduation and things were going well until one day he started to seem distant and I didn't understand why so i finally asked him. He then informed me that in May he would leave for Finland because he had gotten a contract to play football there. He told me that it wasn't fair to me to wait around while he got his life figured out and it was best if we didn't see each other. So after being upset and sad, I agreed. I felt it was the right thing to do, so I just accepted it. That lasted about two weeks until he just couldn't stay away any longer. He told me he still had feelings for me but didn't know what to do because he was leaving. I said that we should just play it out until he left. It couldn't hurt. So we agreed and things were back to being great between us. We had our daily conversations, I saw him at least once a week (with both our work schedules, it was almost impossible to find time to actually see each other), and the feelings began to grow stronger.
Up until last week, things have been as good as they could be with his looming departure date. But then this past week, he started pulling away. Our conversations turned into one word answers back and fourth and we barely saw each other. I was starting to get really upset and couldn't understand it....until yesterday, when I realized this was his way to help himself from not hurting. Him leaving was hurting him just as much as it was hurting me but our ways of coping with it were very different. I was trying to pull closer to spend as much time as possible with him while he was pulling away so it wouldn't hurt as bad.
Last night was supposed to be my last night with him. it was the most intimate time i have ever spent with him. and i don't mean in the sexual way. we spent the night crying together, laughing together, smiling, and in silence, all happening at the right times and both of us understanding exactly what the other needed at that time. he finally fell asleep in the wee hours of the morning but I didn't. I just couldn't. I wanted to soak up every last minute I had with him, so I watched him sleep. I layed in his arms and listened to his breaths and heart beat. it's exactly what I needed. when this morning came, it was the hardest thing I've had to do in a while. saying goodbye. but I kept telling him, this is not goodbye, this is see you later. we cried some more and held each other close until i finally got in my car and drove away. i cried the entire drive to class. and in class. and after class.
then i got a text message from him. it read "i hope you know i'm really gonna miss you." and it set off the crying once again. i knew he would, but hearing it makes it that much better but worse at the same time because i'm not ready for him to leave. and then he told me he needed just one more night with me. so tonight, i will go lay with him and watch him sleep again because i know that as tired as I am, I will not get any sleep because tomorrow is it. he leaves. for four and a half months. and not just a few hours away...the otherside of the world away. it's going to be hard, but I'm going to stick it out because he means that much to me. and i hope he knows that.
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