saying goodbye

it has been a month since i got the news...

my mom called me as i was on my way home from class. she told me to call her back when i got to my apartment. i thought it was strange but i agreed. as soon as i walked in, i dialed her back. she then told me that my aunt had passed away. i sank right into my bed, tears streaming down my face, my body shaking. i wasn't ready to hear this news. i wasn't expecting it so soon.

in march, my aunt had been diagnosed with lung and throat cancer. the prognosis wasn't looking good. in april, the doctor's told us she would probably have a year left. i feel bad for anyone who has to hear news like that, but my aunt had three children (ages 18, 16, and 8) and their mother was the only one they had. on top of that, my aunt and i hadn't spoken in over a year. when my mom called to tell me this horrible news back in april, i told her that i needed to make peace with her before she passed. i didn't want things to end on bad terms, especially after some great childhood memories involving her.

growing up, she was my favorite aunt. i had many sleepovers and cookouts over her house. and the chocolate cloud dessert she made was to die for. she made it specially for me any time i was planning on coming over, and if it was a last minute visit, we would run to the grocery store for the ingredients to make. and that laugh of hers, so high pitched and loud, but from the heart. i needed to hear it one last time. i needed to see her at least one last time. so mom and i made plans to leave for New Jersey on June 18th.

i got the phone call a month ago, today. June 17th. it was too late.

in the last month i've done a lot of thinking. during the first week after the phone call, there were tons of emotions going through my head. i felt guilty because of the way things ended. i was mad because i didn't get a chance to say what i needed. i was sad because i was too late. i didn't get to say goodbye. i didn't get to tell her i loved her.

so here is what i've learned from this experience: don't go to bed angry. never let things end badly. always make sure you tell someone how you feel. in the event that something bad happens, god forbid, then you will never have to doubt that that person didn't know exactly how you felt. i didn't get the chance to tell my aunt that even though things were rocky towards the end that i still loved her and had some unforgettable memories that i will cherish forever. don't let that happen to you. all i can do now is pray that she knew how much i really did love her and that i would never forget her.

RIP Aunt DeDe...i'm sorry i didn't get to say goodbye :'(