i'm sorry

two words that i thought i'd never hear....but all i wanted to hear.

and then i heard them. "i'm sorry." all i wished next was that the clock could be turned back and i never heard those words.

funny how the human mind works.

i haven't written in a while, and it's not because i haven't had a lot on my mind, because trust me, i have. it's just been hard. it use to be easy for me to write here, putting my feelings out there, exactly the way i felt. it was theraputic. and then for some reason, it stopped being. so i dealt with my emotions by myself. i stopped writing. well that didn't work either. so i'm gonna give this another shot.

here goes nothing.....

it's been a little over a week since i got the text. he wanted to talk. i was skeptical. i didn't like the sound of this. we hadn't talked in months. the last time i heard from him, it didn't go well. what was gonna make this time any different? but knowing me, i agreed. he wanted it to be in person, so as soon as i got off work, i drove to his house. the entire time, my heart was pounding, and all the thoughts were going through my mind. what was so important that made it have to be that night? and face to face? i had so many emotions going through my head...mad, frustrated, nervous, a little excited.

i get to his house, walk up the front steps and see his face through the glass door. my heart melts. but at the same time, i'm mad. and nervous. i walk in and follow him up the stairs. no words have been said yet. i get to his room and sit down in a chair. across from him. all i could think was how awkward this was. i use to love running into his room and jumping into the rocking chair we would share and watch football games or just talk. it made my heart sink. it made me realize how much things had changed. how different we were now. so i sit across from him, and stare at the floor. he sits down too, and i can feel his eyes watching me. but i didn't dare look up. then came his voice. "you look mad." it took everything i could not to just start screaming and yelling at him. of course i was mad. but more over, i was sad. and hurt. and upset. and heart broken. so i answered...."no kidding." in a flip comment i knew that he wouldn't appreciate.

and then it came. what i had not expected at all....what i had not prepared myself for. something i never thought i'd hear from him.

"i'm sorry"

i broke down. i couldn't handle it. the tears flowed freely. i couldn't even hide them. he rushed over, picked me up, and just held me. and let me cry. he didn't say a word. he knew i just needed to let it out. after a while, he sat me down in his lap and continued to apology for everything. i listened, didn't say a word, and let the tears still roll. he wiped them away occasionally, but he understood. he knew he had hurt me. and it was bad. when i was finally able to compose myself, we talked. for a long time. i was allowed to ask questions, and he answered them. he let me talk while he listened. sometimes i yelled. and he still listened. everything went exactly how i could have pictured it. it was perfect. the perfect apology.

sounds like the perfect way to start up again after the worst end, right? pretty much how the romantic movie would end...as the couple makes up and runs off into the sunset together.

well that's not how this one ended. of course, because my life is not a movie. it ended with me going home, alone. and him still with his girlfriend, happily ever after (but not really).

now, as the days pass, all i can think is how i wish i had never heard those words. i was happy living my life hating him. moving on because i hadn't talked to him in months. slowly, i was beginning to think of him less and less. miss him less and less. and then this happens. i'm back to square one. missing him. loving him even after everything. and wanting him back. even after everyting. who knew those two little words could cause so much feeling.

so now as i sit here, i wish he had never apologized. i wish i had never heard those two words come out of his mouth. i wish that he had never admitted to me that he made a mistake. he's not happy. i could see it in his eyes. he forgets that i've known him too long not to know the truth.

his intentions were good, and i know that he never meant to hurt me more. but that's exactly what happened.

so that's where i'm at right now. i was moving on. i was doing well. i was finally ok with not having him in my life. i take 5 steps forward. then two words drag me back 10 giant steps. so i dont know what to do. except hope that eventually this feeling goes away.